I can tuck mytits in my pants
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
