I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize