a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
