woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
