Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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