I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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