Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
