I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize