Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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