dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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