I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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