turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm passing your future prison.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Randomize
