I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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