I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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