I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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