i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I have fence marks all over my body
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
