If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
