p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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