Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
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