I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
