can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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