Don't make out with my wife yet
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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