My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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