gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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