i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
