new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
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Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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