Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
