I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
