I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
BRING THE BAGELS
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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