Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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