i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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