mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
