Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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