I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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