I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It's official drugs can't kill me
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
