Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
