My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
