I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
