this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
