In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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