theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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