She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
