A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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