Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
