You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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