I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
This house was built for laser tag.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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