I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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