I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
did i walk over a car last night?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
