Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
