We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
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I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
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I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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