and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
