cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
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