Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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