Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
