You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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