I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
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