My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
We left the knife in your bed.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
