dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
