Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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