so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
The best revenge is premature balding
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
