It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
