If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Randomize
