i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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