I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
